I often wonder what it would be like, what I would be like if I weren’t on prescription drugs. It’s been 8 1/2 years since I haven’t had drugs adjusting the synapses in my brain. It’s been 8 1/2 years since I didn’t have to cut my pills and remember to take them every night. It’s been 8 1/2 years. I want to get off these pills, but I’m also scared, terrified of what and who I’ll be. I was 16, a high-schooler who hadn’t had her first kiss. That was when I hid my pain, pretended I was fine when really I was burning up from anxiety on the inside. And honestly, I still do hide it, at least from the people who can’t tell, though now it’s far and in-between.
So what happens when I go off these pills? Because even being on them I have had panic attacks, I have been at a party and curled up in my friends bed with the door shut because I couldn’t fake the smiles and laughter anymore, I have still had the days where I obsessively worry all day long over things I know aren’t true, yet the voice in my mind keeps telling me to doubt, second guess.
So what’s next? What happens when my brain is no longer regulated by a daily dose?